So it is almost September and on the 3rd of that month, I am going back to college for my third-and hopefully final-year to complete my A-Levels.
During summer were told to start writing our personal statements for university preparation but it is hard to know what to write when you do not know what you want to do…I have changed my mind more times that I can count and have thought about degrees ranging from Music Business, to German Studies, even to Gender Studies and feminism. BUt i have never settled on one degree.
It is for this reason that for now I have decided not to go to university and instead have a gap year to “find myself” for lack of a better phrase, and to decide what I want to do with my life-hopefully after travelling a bit and seeing family, I will know what I want to do…
At the moment I am thinking about writing a book on feminism but I just need to find a place to start…
But time will tell and I will one day find my calling in life, but until them I am going to focus on doing what I love-the rest of my life can wait.
Once again my head is buzzing with white noise. So many thoughts churning in my head, making my stomach flutter.
Social anxiety and cripplingly low self esteem and self belief have lead me to feel jittery-hands always shaking at work and constantly worrying I will fuck up.
The white noise in my head is constant at night and I find myself having to drown it out and quell it by watching programs late into the night, it keeps me from sleep.
I’m trying to not crack but it’s hard. I have 3 weeks left and despite my mental state- I am determined to make it through so it can be over and I can go back to college and relax.
The wind howled and the rain pummeled my face, my hair violently being pulled across my face. My vision blurred in the storm and a flash of lighting illuminated the sky-unveiling the intense inky black of the sea below me and the violet sky above. I was alone. The sole person around for miles and stood atop the rocky cliff, being eroded by rain every second I stood in my trance, unable to feel the icy cold of the wind slamming into my body.
I knew I should move, will my legs to carry me away from the precipice-yet I was transfixed. Despite the storm, the sea looked so inviting. A never-ending pool of darkness and warmth-to feel the water envelop me and swallow me whole-to drift deeper and deeper, away from everyone and everything, letting the darkness comfort and console me as no-one yet could.
Death is but a sweet relief. We had danced together before. The smoke unfurling in my lungs each day. Inhaling and exhaling the acrid substance until my throat hurt and the sadness had passed. A temporary fix to ease the pain. A habit repeated each day religiously until I was numb and mustered the courage to plaster a smile on my face-one that I felt could crack and peel away at any moment. Revealing my true nature and feelings to those around me.
I took a deep, long breath. Letting the ice invade my lungs, crystallizing every inch of me . Held it there. One…Two…Three… Exhale. Without looking below me I closed my eyes…
I can’t seem to stop this cycle of self-hate and morbid fascination.
Most of you probably know that I suffer from bouts of self-hatred that can be quite severe and I get triggered by a range of things. Recently it was the rediscovery of an online friends’ suicide note. He was from the Czech Republic and killed himself last year. It was this rediscovery that lead me to reading his blog posts from the beginning about his awful childhood, and I could not stop reading.
I do not know whether it was due to that thing where its so awful you dont want to keep reading but you do, or whether it was guilt for not knowing about his issues sooner, but i could not stop reading. I sat there for hours earlier today, reading and re-reading his entries and crying.
In a way I hate myself for not noticing he was in so much pain. but in reality I did not know a lot about his background at the time and he always seemed sort of melancholy but chipper at the same time. He never seemed suicidal.
I just feel horrible right now and I need someone to be here to comfort me.
I feel utterly alone and vulnerable.
“All in due time, the shadows will give way to light”-In Due Time by Killswitch Engage
Lately I have been so stressed with college work, revision for exams, a photography deadline, my part time job and trying to sort my future out that I have not slept properly in weeks and I’ve worn myself to the ground. But there’s no rest for the wicked and I need to keep this momentum up until my exams are finished in Early June. Its not all bad though because ive been trying to curb my anxiety by watching German films like Die Wilden Kerle 2 and Sophie Scholl as well as treating myself to bubble baths to help calm my fragile mind.
It is not just anxiety that has been getting me down, but also the thoughts that I am not good enough for my boyfriend or good enough to have a job at my work (a very popular fish and chips shop) as I constantly doubt myself, my abilities and my looks. It does not help that I only have a few days left to finish my photography project and I’m certain I am going to fail.
I just need a few days to collect my thoughts and get myself back on track but I don’t have time..
Oh well, life goes on. There’s no rest for the wicked and I’ll sleep when i’m dead.
This is kind of a personal subject but considering it was on the BBC South News earlier I thought I would write about it.
The news story said a woman had given birth to a stillborn baby that died at 19 weeks and was able to hold her baby as well as get hand and footprints, but was not allowed to register the birth; as in the eyes of the state, a baby that dies before the 24 week limit, is not considered a person, but a fetus so cannot have a birth or death certificate. In the eyes of the state, it is a late miscarriage. As a result, and as you can imagine, she went to court over this and is trying to change the law.
This is where my story comes in…
All my life, up until now I have believed I was born at 24 weeks, as was my twin brother. Its on our birth certificates, and my brother’s death certificate too, But I wasn’t. My mother told me today that we were actually born just after the 23 week mark,and in order for my brother to have a death certificate as he died after only about half an hour of life, the doctor decided to put 24 weeks on his birth certificate, and i presume the same for me. Just so my brother would not be discarded as a late miscarriage and as such, there would be no record he existed.
Although this story has shaken me up, as I now feel I was not meant to exist, I support that brave woman’s court battle in trying to change the law with stillbirth or miscarried babies before the 24 week mark.
Most of my life, I have been shaped by my parents’ ways. They tell me “oh, don’t do that, that looks horrible”, “If you do that, this will happen”, “you’ll regret that when you’re older.”
Well no I wont.
Because I know what I want to do with my life and I know how i want to look and what will make me happy. And if that involves being tattooed, having piercings, and having a job that pays next to nothing-then fuck it. Its my life and i’ll do what I want.
However, I am very easily influenced.
Every other month I am changing what I want to look like or how I want my hair to be. Yet i always come back to “the darker stuff” stuff like black clothing and dark eyeshadow. This is mainly to me being brought up on classic rock and such and having a major “emo” phase when i was about 12.
However, one man has inspired me to be who I am more than anyone else.
Ricky “Horror” Olson.
I owe a lot to him. He made me realise it’s okay to have dreams but not to force them to happen, that its okay to admit depression but not to let it rule your life and that most importantly to be yourself no matter what. Not what external sources have claimed you to be To be you and only you.
I cannot thank him enough
My thoughts speed past in a blur, leaving my head throbbing and my eyes aching.
I long to feel some emotion.
Even if it were to only ghost the features of my face before dissolving back into emptiness.
I feel as if I am falling down a never ending pit of stomach-churning inky black. In slow motion I can feel all the emotions I once thought I had burned away completely. Loneliness. Resentment. Despair. And most of all- Hopelessness.
I’m stuck in an infinite loop of the finite and mundane tasks that are known as “living”. Brushing my teeth, putting on clothes, hiding my internal despair and braving the world for a few hours before returning home and resting my aching cheekbones. Then retiring into the warm silky sheets of my double bed. Inhabited by me alone.
It would be lovely to truly live. To not just inhabit the body I have been given, watching from the outside as if my life were some sick, twisted show you’d watch on TV out of morbid curiosity.
It would be a relief to feel human.
The air was frigid and the sky a deep blue. I was stood outside shivering against the brick wall of the venue;clad in tight leather jeans and my ripped band shirt. I leaned my head back and watched the smoke escape from my lips and unfurl into the night. It’s a bad habit I know, but it keeps me sane.
The wind picked up, slamming through my body and causing my hair to be whipped violently against my face. I sighed and dropped the amber filter to the floor and extinguished the flame with a swift swipe of my foot. Peeling myself from the cold bricks, I zipped up my jacket, balled my hands into my pockets and entered through the door on my left.
Back to work.
Ive always been told “Patience is a virtue”-but I unfortunately have none.
I am constantly looking to the future, planning and sorting out my life and where I want to be and what I want to be doing.
That can be stressful.
Ive been on the brink of losing my mind because of my habit of looking constantly to the future. I’m just so impatient and every night I get down or angry about how Im not older, have tattoos, look how I want or am touring like I have always dreamed.
It honestly gets me down and although it makes me strive more and make me work harder to get where i need to be-it can be goddamn stressful and put a strain on my relationships with friends and with my boyfriend.
But I dont think i’ll ever learn-and it terrifies me.
I know one day I will crack.